British Tooth Sucking For British Workers

 

When it comes to having tradespeople in your home, I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security by our decorators, whose most challenging question is “what colour would you like the walls?”. So I was unprepared for the bathroom fitters, who started sucking through their teeth within five minutes of their arrival.

“There are pipes under the bathroom floor.”

“Right… Were you not expecting—”

“What do you want us to do with the pipes?”

“Erm, I”m not really a pipe expert…”

“We could run them along the skirting.”

“OK, fine.”

“But that’s problematic.”

“I see.”

“We could put them inside a stud wall.”

“Is that what you’d recommend?”

“The problem is, you see, the pipes are 20mm.”

“Are they?”

“We could drop them into the kitchen roofspace.”

“OK, do that then.”

“That would be a lot of extra work.”

“OK, don’t do that.”

And so it goes on. When we get to the bit where they tell me the shower might not fit above my head, I have to go and have a lie down. What a good job we only had the bathroom people in and not, as originally planned, the guttering people as well. They couldn’t start on Monday because the scaffolding company had no scaffolding (I know). 

The builder in charge of the guttering also told me he couldn’t do anything about our cracked soil pipe because he wasn’t a plumber (translation: I’m frightened I’ll get poo on my overalls). So I asked the plumber working on the bathroom. He was frightened to do anything because the pipe was asbestos. But maybe his builder colleague, even though he wasn’t a plumber, could do it. The builder considered, sucking through his teeth very quietly so as not to worry me. He might be able to repair it if it only meant replacing one small section, but we’d have to dispose of it. Or they could hire in a specialist asbestos removal firm—

Enough. Just half do everything and leave it all ragged and pipey. Strange, how quickly having work done changes from the excitement of home improvement, to feeling instead as if a group of workmen has broken into your house, tied you up and forced you to watch as they create havoc all around.

Pipework for the shower if the fitters had their way

And all these problems that the workers didn’t foresee even though they happen on every job they ever do will, of course, add to the bill. Extra thick pipes - kerching! Asbestos removal - kerching! One day I will take my children into the bathroom, indicate the raised shower tray and the stud wall, and explain about their inheritance.

In 1980 a previous owner of the house set about remodelling it into its present form. It had been a working mill until 1956, still contained a waterwheel, and had been run as two separate dwellings. A huge undertaking: I’ve seen the plans, and the decorators have pointed out the ghost of an old staircase climbing up the hall wall. Can you imagine what she must have undergone as the builders went to fill in the old mill pond?

“There’s water in this pond”

“Yes.”

“What would you like us to do with the water?”

“Errr…”

“It’s wet you see.”

“  “

The various hold ups on bathroom and guttering means that our dream of all the work being over by our move date (7^th July) is in tatters. The house will be shrouded in scaffolding, and the bathroom will consist of two buckets, one as the temporary toilet, the other to throw cold water over yourself in lieu of a shower.

At least all the work is finished on our Putney flat, and it's ready for our tenants. I can’t say the same for the ageing members of the block’s management committee. I bumped into Barbara from Flat 5, guardian of the block’s morals, as she was picking litter off of the front path with tweezers.

“So you’re renting the flat?” (said in the same tone as “So you’ve defecated on the walls?”)

“Yes, we have three professional young women coming in.”

“Oh, so they’ll be having loud parties then.” (To be fair to the tenants, I could have said anything and it would be bad news. No doubt had I described them as “Three God-fearing young women” Barbara would respond “Oh, so they’ll be having loud exorcisms then.”)

Our tenants' housewarming party - artist's impression

“They’ll probably get together with your neighbour,” she continued. What? Tim is in his sixties. How many professional young women party with a 60 year old man? (Don’t write in).

So we will go on to endure the tooth sucking of tradesmen, and the tenants will endure the tooth sucking of the management committee. It’s a tooth sucking world. But one day, I firmly believe we will wake up and find ourselves alone in our house. Oh, apart from the puppy…